When someone you love dies

Sam Milchem, 14th Mar 2018
Tags: Life Blog Death Grief Love

Got the text message today that my nana had passed away 09:04 Wednesday 14th March. 

Nana was my mum's mum. As you can imagine it’s never nice to lose a relative! Many of you will know that feeling of losing a loved one; but maybe some of you have experienced it, yet not felt it. That’s where I am at. Nana's passed away, I am grieving, but it’s only on the surface.

The night before nana left us, my girlfriend had one of those honest conversations with me; she challenged me about allowing my emotions to show, and about not being emotionally switched off.

I had inadvertently, (or purposely), managed to take full control of my emotions, allowing the world to only hit me on a surface level.

What I knew already, and what she had discovered, is that I had inadvertently, (or purposely), managed to take full control of my emotions, allowing the world to only hit me on a surface level. I had taken the Bible verse that says 'Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.' Proverbs 4:23, and instead of guarding my heart, I had placed it under lock and key, placing barriers up all around, rarely allowing anything to access it. 

She knew and had discovered that I hadn’t allowed her in fully. We’ve been dating just under two years, and until last night I had pretty much been able to run-away from communicating how I actually felt. I responded with what I thought people wanted to hear, or what was easier to communicate, rather than actually talking about what I felt. I had created an armour of protection and normality. I had shut down the receptors, closing off the inside, blocking those fleshy bits, the areas that hurt when they are touched, but also the areas that feel and produce love.

This is going to be my journey of walking back to a place of love. Opening up my heart, throwing open the shutters and doors.

This is going to be my journey of walking back to a place of love. Opening up my heart, throwing open the shutters and doors. Allowing love to overtake me again.

The reason I am typing this out, is I think others may be in a similar situation; that at some point, it was easier to shut things off and block out certain emotions. I think this is a problem far more widespread than we are realising. Young people are growing up having a hurt and instead of dealing with pain, they are forming a hard heart, locking it away to protect it from damage, but also shielded from love. 

If you are reading this, and this relates to you, you know the feeling. Would you join me, and start that journey that will take us back to a place of emotional freedom?

I want to clarify something though. If you’re in this place, it doesn’t mean you don’t already feel emotions to an extent, as I know I do, but what it means is you don’t allow them to come out and be expressed fully. 

We’re probably very similar, you’ve got very good at controlling how you feel. It has allowed you to go further, work harder,  and avoid those awkward questions, or awkward answers. For me, today I’ve carried on as usual, crushing emotions as they rise, taking a sharp breath when I get a text from home, and laughing at people’s jokes. When people ask how my day's going I automatically say "Great!" feeling guilty for the fact that so far it hasn’t, feeling guilty that I had to stop to think about how it made me feel.

He wants us to feel again, to love more, because he is love, and we are his beloved.

Yet I am certain that this is not God’s intention for our lives, nor is it is the best way, or the way God created us to feel. I believe he wants us to feel again, to love more, because he is love, and we are his beloved. He wants deeper, I want to be deeper, therefore I need to get rid of some junk. I need to soften my heart again. For too long I’ve guarded it, I’ve got great at guarding it, too good in fact.

So where do we start? Prayer. The first place to start any journey has to be prayer. So what does that look like? Well for me, I wrote God a letter, saying how I felt, and where I wanted to be.

I took some time out of my day, and sent a text to my mum. I tried to pour my heart into it; how I truly felt.

I took some time out of my day, and sent a text to my mum. I tried to pour my heart into it; how I truly felt. I made it sincere, real, and thought about it. I took the key out and unlocked my heart. I stopped to see what I actually meant, how did I actually feel, and allowed it to sink in slowly. Nothing too fast or too quick.

I got a responding text from my mum. I glanced at it and quickly fell back to default, looking out the window, locking up my heart, a sharp breath in, composed myself then moved on. 

It’s a start, we are on day one. It’s a journey, not yet an adventure, but I’ll get there and you will to. Because our heavenly Father is a restorer and a redeemer and he alone has a perfect plan for your and my life.