Walking back to a place of love

Sam Milchem, 17th Apr 2018
Tags: Life Blog Death Family Grief Love

Today we held nana’s funeral. It was a beautiful day, the sun shone bright, late into the afternoon, family and friends, celebrating her life. 

This is the second time I've headed back to my family home since nana has passed, its almost as if I’ve walk back into a vacuum of emotions. I've entered into a greenhouse, sliding open the glass door, and allowing the warmth of raw feelings to hit me.

I am sure you can tell I’ve made some progress since we last spoke, the girlfriend has noticed it too. I am not sure how she has, but from my experience women can just pick up on these things.

So I suppose now, I should tell you what’s happened since we have spoken, so you can follow this zig-zagged path of this journey, back into a place of love*. 

Well to start I took my advice, I’ve been praying into it, asking God to soften my heart, to open me up, and give me the confidence to feel. It’s been amazing to see that slowly and surely God has been faithful, little by little doing his work inside the deep depths of my heart.

Last night I cried for the first time in years in front of my mum.

I’ve started to allow emotions to surface a little now. Last night I cried for the first time in years in front of my mum. It wasn’t that I experienced a new level of sadness or grief about nana’s passing, it was that I was aware that it was ok to allow some silent tears to make their tracks. It was uncomfortable, experiencing something so unfamiliar, yet it had that noticeable familiarity, like a smell that reminds you of a memory long ago. 

Later that evening I had a phone call with my girlfriend, and after the tears had come and gone, she asked me how I was feeling, knowing it was the night before the funeral. I brushed it off and didn’t mention the tears. I know she’s being kind, however I had walked enough steps for one day.

I think the reason I wanted to move on was the vulnerability of pain. It has the ability to paralyse and make you vulnerable, unable to move from that point, until the wave of emotion has left. In such a fast paced world it can separate you from the pack, and force you into taking your finger off the trigger, calling time out. 

Maybe that’s why so many of us have disconnected our emotions, however I am still certain that re-connection is necessary for God to work through us, to the extent that he desires.

The Bible teaches that in a place of vulnerability I can be confident in the almighty power of Christ, not only for my individual confidence, but because Jesus' power is shown "most effectively in weakness."

'But He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.' 2 Corinthians 12:9 (The Bible)

Although vulnerability is a painful place to be, it's a powerful place to be.

This is another lesson on this journey: that although vulnerability is a painful place to be, it's a powerful place to be, because it’s where God can effectively work in your life, and the lives of those around you.

*I think here I need to make an interjection on why I have chosen this title ‘Walking back to a place of love’. It's not because of a wavering understanding around the love that the Father has for me. I am very aware of the fact heaven bankrupted itself for my soul, and that the greatest act of love happened on a cross, on a dusty hillside, 2000 years ago. I am so aware that God loves me, and that he loves you. I know the Father enjoys who he has made us to be, and that he wants to spend time with each of us. No this title is a about walking back to a place that I operate out of a complete drive to love, not just the theory of love. I want to live a life that is completely moved by the Father's compassion for others, the same way my Saviour Jesus Christ lived.