Overcoming a fear of lack

Joy Attmore, 15th Jan 2018
Tags: Life Blog Challenges Crime Eating disorder Father God Parents Redemption

I don’t know about you but I hate the feeling of hunger. If I’m honest, I also fear it.

I am that person who will always carry snacks in my handbag, so that I have a go-to ‘in case of emergencies’. 

I would hoard secret stashes of food in my room.

I’ve been this way ever since I was a kid, except that back then I would hoard secret stashes of food in my room. It was my way of preventing the hunger pangs that would inevitably strike at some point throughout the day.

You see I grew up in a low income family, the second eldest of six children, with a mum who was wonderful, but also struggled with an eating disorder, so food was always an area of control for her. 

She wouldn’t have intended to do this, but there were numerous occasions where we went underfed at dinner time due to her idea of ‘what was enough’ being distorted from reality.

I hated feeling in lack, being the kid in hand-me-down clothes, and the one girl in my class who would get teased because I had "weird packed lunches."

I hated feeling in lack, being the kid in hand-me-down clothes, and the one girl in my class who would get teased because I had "weird packed lunches." 

I remember on one of our ‘own clothes days’, a friend of mine asked me why I always wore the same clothes. The confidence I had previously felt in my one ‘cool’ outfit turned to shame as I looked down at my shoes and tried to think of something sassy to say in return. No words came to mind and instead I let myself become marked by her’s.

I began to take matters into my own hands as a young teen and came up with ways that I could provide for myself. 

Rather than choosing something honourable and creative, I began stealing. This at first looked like taking a few pounds from my mum’s purse every now and then so I could buy chocolate from the corner shop, but as my confidence grew so did my audacity to steal from that same corner shop.

Like anyone who breaks the rules, it was only a matter of time before, at the age of 13, I was caught by the police for trying to steal in the local supermarket. 

Talk about a wake up call. Even now, I remember that feeling of horror and shame as I was taken to the local police station and placed in a holding cell until I could be picked up by my mum. 

My fear of being in lack had gotten way out of control and was causing me to act in ways that I hated.

Over time my habits changed: I stopped taking what didn’t belong to me and I rebuilt honesty as a standard in my life.

Over time my habits changed: I stopped taking what didn’t belong to me and I rebuilt honesty as a standard in my life. 

A couple of years ago though, I began to realise that I was still carrying this fear of being in lack around with me, it just looked different to when I was 13.

Now I have noticed that I will freak out if the bank account begins to get low, or the cupboards are close to running empty. I still hate feeling like I don’t have enough.

This isn’t an easy thing to shrug off, or try and change, but I have found some things that have really helped me and caused the freak outs to slowly become less frequent.

• Pray

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” Philippians 4:6-7

I love this verse and it has taught me how I can instantly respond to those moments of fear or panic.

• Trust others

For me, I have a few people in my life who I consider safe. They are ones that I know I can be completely honest with, and rather than judging me, they will help me move forward from my mistakes and struggles.

• Be honest

Once you’ve found those one or two people that you can trust, be honest with them and let them meet you in that area that you are struggling in. 

I battled feeling ashamed for a long time, but the more I was honest with myself and others, the freer I found myself becoming.

I battled feeling ashamed for a long time, but the more I was honest with myself and others, the freer I found myself becoming.

• Declare promises

The problem with feeling afraid of being in lack, is that when we do this, we are believing a lie that there is not enough. The truth is, God promises to always be with us, to never forsake us, and to provide all that we need. 

There are verses in the Bible that I have now memorised so I can remind myself of the truth when I find myself having a hard day. Here they are: Jeremiah 29:11, Luke 12:6-7, Philippians 4:19, Romans 8:26-28.

For those of you reading this who may be feeling alone, and that you are the only one, please know that you are not.

For those of you reading this who may be feeling alone, and that you are the only one, please know that you are not. You are loved, you are seen and there is more than enough for you.