Overcoming an eating disorder
Jess Barlow,
5th Mar 2018
Tags:
Life
Blog
Eating disorder
Mental health
Dark. Lonely. Overwhelming.
If I had to choose just three words to describe an eating disorder, it would be these.
The overpowering darkness, when it seems the light at the end of the tunnel is non-existent; when it seems there is absolutely no way out!
Lonely, when it feels as though no-one understands, and your disorder makes you isolate yourself from friends and social situations.
Overwhelming, when even just living seems too much to bare. Just getting out of bed in a morning takes every ounce of strength.
This is life with an eating disorder.
I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa when I was 16 years old. I had struggled for years previous to this with body image: thinking I was too fat and that I needed to lose weight. But at 16, these thoughts had taken over my life.
I was restricting my intake until my body screamed out for food, so I would binge on huge amounts of junk, and then feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. This then led to me making myself sick and abusing laxatives to rid myself of the thousands of calories I had consumed. I would vow to not let it happen anymore, but then restrict, until I binged and purged once again.
This is the cycle I found myself stuck in. Each time feeling more guilty.
The scales became my only friend, but they held so much control.
The scales became my only friend, but they held so much control. Each morning, I would take off my clothes and stand on this piece of plastic in which I had put my worth. If I had lost weight, it would be a good day. If I had gained, it would become a day of self-destruct and mental torture.
I wasn’t living, I was just surviving.
And this was my life. Each day the same. I wasn’t living, I was just surviving. I thought I was in control, but that was so far from the truth. The bulimia had control of me!
But I managed to break free from that control eventually, and I truly believe you can too!
My journey to recovery was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to face, but it was also the best thing I ever did for myself!
My journey to recovery was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to face, but it was also the best thing I ever did for myself!
At first, people tried to force recovery on to me. I was under mental health services who tried to get me to stick to meal plans. My family tried to force me to eat, but I didn’t want recovery. I didn’t want to get ‘fat’ again. I was quite happy the way I was and I wasn’t letting it go without a fight!
It was only when my life quite literally began to fall apart that I knew I needed to change. I moved away from home and started studying mental health nursing at university. But I was becoming increasingly unwell with my eating disorder and was told I could not continue on the course, as I couldn’t do my placements on a mental health ward when I wasn’t very well myself.
I was devastated. My whole future became one big unknown. I quite literally hit rock bottom. But it was getting to this point that made me realise that I needed to get better. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life like this. I needed help. So I reached out and asked for support.
I eventually entered City Hearts, a Christian residential recovery programme. With their love and support I was able to change my life for the better.
I’m not going to lie, it was the hardest and most challenging two years of my life. I spent every single day working on myself, going through counselling and one to one sessions. I also had group sessions, meal planning, and learning how to manage my emotions.
Some days I just wanted to give up, and the last thing I wanted was to eat everything on my meal plan. I had days when I felt so fat and guilty for eating, but at the end of it all, reaching out for help was the best thing I ever did.
I can look in the mirror and accept what I see.
Pushing through my hard days, and persevering even when I wanted to throw the towel in, got me to a place where today, I rarely think twice about eating three meals a day. I can look in the mirror and accept what I see. I am so thankful to City Hearts for teaching me to live in freedom from my eating disorder.
Faith also played a huge part in my journey to freedom. I do not think I’d have made it through if it wasn’t for my relationship with God. I started to read my Bible more and I began replacing the lies in my head with the truth of God. Whenever my mind told me I was too fat, I would tell myself, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Whenever my mind told me I could never get better, I told myself "I am more than a conqueror through Christ who strengthens me." This was another key ingredient to my recovery because “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
Places you can go to for help
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, then Beat Eating Disorders or City Hearts, could help you.
