Missing mum

Jess Barlow, 12th Jul 2018
Tags: Life Blog Absent parents Father God Grief

“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.”

I stumbled across this quote recently. Okay ‘stumble’ may be the wrong word! I was feeling sorry for myself, and was searching Pinterest for quotes that related to how I was feeling, because let’s be honest, we have all done that at some point! 

I found this quote, and in my self-pity, contemplated posting it on my Instagram, as a not so positive “hey world, I feel rubbish!” sort of post. But then I realised something.

I realised I have been grieving for the mother I thought I should have.

If you have read my previous blogs, you’ll know that I don’t have a relationship with my mum. I have no contact, and I often feel there is a hole inside of me that nothing can fill. A deep longing for a mother, an ache for someone to love me like a mother should, a desire for a mother's hug. This is something I face every single day. And some days are hard. Really hard. And I realised I have been grieving for the mother I thought I should have. 

So as I considered this latest Pinterest find, I felt a question drop into my heart. “Are you going to spend your life grieving? Or are you going to spend your life believing?” 

God will replace all we have lost.

In that moment, my mind-set completely changed. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and the things I didn’t have, I took a step back and was taken aback by the things I did have. And it made me recognise this: God will replace all we have lost. The traits of the person you are grieving, the things your heart is crying out for, they are within arm’s reach! We just have to believe. And God will do the rest!

That person listens to me how I think a mother should; that person encourages me; that person gives the best hugs.

I began to look at the people in my world, the ones who I allow to speak into my life, and the ones who I know I can turn to for support. As I looked at what they added to my life, I learnt that every single thing I was desperate for from a mum, were traits I could find in them. That person listens to me how I think a mother should; that person encourages me; that person gives the best hugs.

I suddenly felt this new sense of faith and belief. Because whilst I was so focused on grieving what I thought I had lost, God was busy at work replacing those things in my life and then some! I was just too distracted on the grief, I forgot about the belief. And in doing so, I failed to recognise the good things God was giving me.

And it’s not just in the people he places in our lives that we can find the desires of our heart, but in him and his unfailing love. Because people aren’t perfect, they are human and make mistakes. Sometimes, as much as we like to believe their love is unconditional, that’s not always the case.

We forget we have a Father for whom it is impossible not to love us.

But God? His love never fails! He calls us his own. He sent his one and only Son to die for us. His love is unconditional! And sometimes we become so focused on the ones who don’t love us, we forget we have a Father for whom it is impossible not to love us. With him, there is no grief, only belief!

“God, your God, will restore everything you lost; He’ll have compassion on you; He’ll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered.” Deuteronomy 30:3, the Bible.