How to deal with envy in a friendship
Joy Attmore,
17th Sep 2019
Tags:
Life
Blog
Friendship
Gratitude
People's opinions
I like to think of myself as someone who has a good track record of friendship.
I mean, I really love people and I really love my friends!
In a perfect world, I would live in a massive mansion or complex with all of my close friends and their kiddos, creating our own little tribe. Welcome to my dream world.
The reality though is that I can think of several scenarios where friendships have either completely fallen apart, or have suffered for a season, all because of two things: comparison and envy.
When we begin an internal monologue of comparing our life with that of someone else’s, we allow thoughts to enter that say we are somehow not good enough, or are in lack, because we don’t have what they have, or we’re not doing what they are doing.
Comparison breeds disappointment.
The more time we give to thinking this way, the more it becomes our new ‘truth’.
Comparison breeds disappointment, discouragement, discontentment, and eventually envy.
It begins with noticing that someone else seems to have a better deal than you, and ends in you wanting it for yourself.
I think if we’re honest we can all identify with these thoughts and feelings.
No one has a perfect life and there will always be someone next to you who has a bit more money, whose life looks a bit more exciting, or who you think looks prettier or thinner than you.
We are inundated with images and opinions of what we should look like.
Our media culture has done nothing to help us with this, as we are inundated with images and opinions of what we should look like and what we should be doing with our lives. It’s exhausting.
So, how do we get rid of ‘the green monster’ that keeps trying to live with us and divide up our friendships?
At the end of last year, I found myself struggling with some ‘stinkin’ thinking’ towards some friends of our’s.
After spending a good afternoon stewing in my thoughts, I knew I needed to get a grip before things got really ugly in my heart.
So, as Phillip and I walked together to another friend’s birthday party, I began saying out loud everything I was thankful for. I mean, I started real simple, but as I continued declaring thankfulness over everything that came to mind I felt a shift happen within me.
It grew easier to think of things to be thankful for.
My envy and resentment began to melt away, my heart got softer and it grew easier to think of things to be thankful for. Soon I was thanking and blessing those people that 20 minutes ago I had been seriously struggling with.
As we choose to make room for gratitude to grow within us, the very landscape of our hearts will begin to change and the desire to operate in generosity and celebration of others will begin to grow.
The only fruit that envy breeds is resentment and bitterness towards another’s success, resulting in a disconnection of relationship.
Radical generosity kills the lie that envy is telling you, and instead says that it is better to give than to receive.
We need to learn how to celebrate other's triumphs.
It can be a challenge though, to celebrate someone close to you who is getting to enjoy something that you are still desperately longing for.
There is a space for healthy emotional process when it comes to all of these things, but if ultimately our goal is to protect and save the friendship, we need to learn how to celebrate other's triumphs and breakthroughs even if we are still in a place of grieving.
I’m a big believer in the sowing and reaping mentality, that what we choose to sow in one season, we will reap in the next.
So if we sow envy, comparison and resentment into our relationships, we are actually choosing this as the soil from which all of our future friendships will grow from.
However, if our posture is one of gratitude, radical generosity, and outrageous celebration of others, we are instead investing deep joy into those around us.
What feels natural and what we can justify doesn't mean its right.
We always have a choice in how we respond to someone close to us, and what our posture towards them is going to be. What feels natural and what we can justify doesn't mean it's right.
As you look on your friendships right now, and individuals come to mind who have stories that you wish were yours, take a deep breath and allow yourself to be thankful.
Consider what you can do to move in radical generosity.
List everything that you can think of that you are grateful for until your desire to be someone else, to look like them, live like them, sound like them, starts to fade away.
Consider what you can do to move in radical generosity and outrageous celebration of them and the season they are in.
Each of these choices steadily moves you from a place of operating in envy and resentment, to being rooted in joy and gratitude, and it's only from here that your friendships will truly thrive.
