He loves me, he loves me not

Joy Attmore, 14th Feb 2018
Tags: Life Blog Love Relationships

I once bribed a boy from school to be my boyfriend by giving him two Teenie Beanie Babies that he wanted for his collection. Granted we were in primary school, so the longevity of any relationship back then rarely went beyond one school day, but still, for that day, we were an item. I was winning at life!

On Valentine’s Day, he brought in roses for some of the girls and I got one! (Only because one of the other prettier girls didn’t want it, but still). Even now, I remember the feeling of being special, chosen, and beautiful - even if it was by default.

That craving, actually that need, to be seen as beautiful and desirable, the object of someone’s affections, has not lessened in the 20 years that have passed since primary school. I still need to hear that I’m loved, even as a married woman. It doesn’t work to be told just once and hope that that will be all I need to hear for the rest of my life. Nope, I need to hear it every day!

We all need to hear, “I love you,” every single day.

We all need to hear, “I love you,” every single day.

It wasn’t until I was about 17 that boys began to notice me. Before then I knew well the definition of unrequited love.

Image Credit: Tenor

I was desperate to be seen as beautiful but I always ended up as ‘the good friend’. As much as I wanted the fairy tale romance, I doubted that I would ever be chosen because I didn’t really believe that I was beautiful.

Each year, Valentine’s Day would be a test to see whether or not I had ‘made it’ and was now deemed worthy of having my heart pursued.

Each year, Valentine’s Day would be a test to see whether or not I had ‘made it’ and was now deemed worthy of having my heart pursued.

The desire to be seen, known and loved is real. It’s not a selfish want, neither does it make you ‘needy’, but rather it’s at the very core of how you were designed to be.

We were made for love and crafted for connection. 

Without realising it, I had made boys the voice of authority as to whether or not I was worthy of being loved, and whether or not I was beautiful. If ‘V-Day’ came and went without me having received anything, or being the focus of anyone’s attention, it would be confirmation to my heart that I was not lovely enough to be truly loved.

Other people’s opinions and actions had more sway over my self-esteem and identity than truth did.

Other people’s opinions and actions had more sway over my self-esteem and identity than truth did.

I distinctly remember when one of my male friends sent me a message, simply saying, “You are beautiful.” He wasn’t pursuing me to be his girlfriend, but he saw an area that I was struggling with and he took the time to affirm me with truth. He then sent me a string of Bible verses that also said the same thing. They were full of truth about how I was created and formed, how precious and lovely I was, and how much God had planned for my life.

My friend wasn’t trying to be my ‘saviour’; he was pointing me towards the Saviour.

"But you are God’s chosen treasure.” 1 Peter 2:9

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

“You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside, and wove them all together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13

“Every part of you is so beautiful, my darling, perfect is your beauty, without flaw within.” Song of Songs 4:7

My friend once told me that he would tell me I was beautiful every day if it meant that I would believe it.

My friend once told me that he would tell me I was beautiful every day if it meant that I would believe it.

Embracing the truth about myself had to come from a source more reliable than even a good friend.

This sounds like it could be a romantic gesture, but it also reveals how unlikely it would be to change my belief system. Embracing the truth about myself had to come from a source more reliable than even a good friend. I had to look to the God who created me and believe what he said about me.

Whether or not you receive a red rose on this one day of the year, does not determine how much you are loved and valued.

Valentine’s Day can be a great, fun day, to celebrate those that we love; to go out of our way to say “I love you” all day long. But whether or not you receive a red rose on this one day of the year, does not determine how much you are loved and valued. 

• You are beautiful. 
• You are loved. 
• You are precious. 
• You are seen. 
• You are known.