Finding a reason to live

Beckie Littler, 25th Jun 2018
Tags: Life Blog Depression Suicide

I recently read an article about teen suicide and the statistics were shocking.

It made me wonder why those around these young people don’t help them. I mean how do they not notice that the person they love is becoming depressed to the point of taking their own life?

Well I have found the answer. I found the answer whilst thinking about my own journey of depression and suicide. 

I remember one day walking into town and there is a bridge over a busy road. I felt myself walking closer to the side of the bridge and my thought was that I could run into oncoming traffic, or I could make sure that I got the job done and jump off the bridge.

I didn’t love myself.

I had a good life and shouldn’t have been feeling that way. In fact I didn’t think that my feeling that way made sense at all. So I started thinking about why I might be feeling that way. The only thing that made sense was the painfully obvious truth. My parents loved me. My siblings loved me. My friends loved me. The people at my church loved me, but there was one person who didn’t. Me. I didn’t love myself. I wasn’t happy even though I had every reason to be. I couldn’t understand it at all. 

So as I was standing at the top of that bridge considering my options, the following thoughts went through my head: If I ran into the oncoming traffic then someone would know that I had killed myself. If I jumped off the bridge when no-one was driving past them then no-one would know.

I decided that option number two was the best one. It would upset my family less and I wouldn’t be a burden to my family or myself anymore. 

As I was waiting for everything to be clear, I felt God speaking to me. He was telling me that it didn’t matter if I didn’t love myself because God loved me. 

I had heard this a lot in church, but I had never believed it until now. 

In the Bible, Isaiah 14:27 says this, "All the forces of darkness cannot stop what God has ordained."

All of the negative thoughts that were going through my head could not stop the plans that God has for me.

This means that God has ordained my life, and all of the negative thoughts that were going through my head could not stop the plans that God has for me. 

Little did I know that God wanted me to be telling people about him at the front of church, and leading a number of children’s groups, letting them know how awesome God is and how much he has done for me!

I couldn’t have done that at the bottom of a bridge or under a passing car.

I had to admit that despite me having a good life and a loving family and a faith, that I wasn’t happy.

I needed God to intervene and he did. However I still had to tell people about what had happened so that I could get the help that I needed. That in a way was harder than the suicidal thoughts would ever be. It meant I had to admit that despite me having a good life and a loving family and a faith, that I wasn’t happy. In fact I was depressed. 

I remember going to the front of my church and asking to speak to the vicar. He came and spoke to me and listened as I poured out all this emotion and pain that I didn’t know I had. 

He pointed me to a counsellor who I could talk to at church whenever I needed to. I didn’t really speak to her much, but I remember feeling this deep sense that I was failing. I couldn’t even be happy and love myself. I mean how easy is that?

Well according to the statistics I wasn’t alone, because there are thousands of teen suicides every year. I remember being in school and hearing that one of my close friends had attempted suicide. So the statistics are as real now as they were then. 

People don’t naturally love themselves. They see their flaws and failings and take that as who they are. 

Perhaps you can relate to what I am saying. Perhaps you don’t feel good enough and you don’t love yourself. Well I am here to tell you that it doesn’t matter if you don’t love yourself, because there is someone who loves you so much that they sent their Son to endure torture persecution and murder for you. 

God sent Jesus to die to save the world, but God also sent his Son to die for you. 

I remember hearing about a Christian event where the leader felt God wanted to talk to someone. The leader asked if anyone would come forward. Then he waited and waited and waited. It turns out there was only one person who felt that was for them, in a room full of 6,000+ people. 

God stopped a meeting of 6,000 to speak to one, but he would stop the entire world to talk to you.

I never used to think that God could love me either, then he saved my life.

You may read this and think it’s not for you, but I never used to think that God could love me either, then he saved my life.

Places you can go to for help

Samaritans * PAPYRUS * Young Minds * Childline