Finding God

Kayleigh Mills, 9th Mar 2018
Tags: Life Blog Challenges Church Jesus

It was a cold October morning, the air was crisp and my hair was frizzy. I had asked my (very new) Christian boyfriend if I could go to church with him.

It had been a turbulent few months and I was searching for certainty.

It had been a turbulent few months and I was searching for certainty; something that would ground me and reassure me that life was much bigger than me. 

Considering I had grown up in a non-Christian home, this was a big venture, for a little girl with ripped jeans.

I walked into church, clinging to my boyfriend’s arm, unaware of the journey I was about to embark on.

And so I did it. I walked into church, clinging to my boyfriend’s arm, unaware of the journey I was about to embark on.

I remember noting that the songs were long, like seven minutes each. And I didn’t know any of the words. It felt different to anything I had ever experienced.

I could tell something was going on in the room. People had their eyes shut and their hands stretched towards heaven. Looking back now, it is so obvious God’s presence was in the building. He was tangibly there, even I could feel him; I just didn’t know who he was.

I’m new here, I thought, but I don’t want to go to the welcome cafe. I don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb. I don’t want people to look at me and think “We need to help her, she is broken.”

I was so wrong.

I look back now and think how bold I was to have stepped into church with no idea of how it would be.

I look back now and think how bold I was to have stepped into church with no idea of how it would be. How brave I was to have exposed myself to God and his people.

I had just found out my mum had cancer and my heart was pretty torn-in-two.

During that October I didn’t know who God was. I had just found out my mum had cancer and my heart was pretty torn-in-two. That coupled with numerous other emotionally challenging circumstances had left me feeling empty and broken and full of anxiety.

Image Credit: Giphy

It was a rough season and I was certain that I had come to the end of myself. I didn’t know how to process my emotions; my thoughts were unhealthy, and I didn’t have anyone who would walk the journey of healing with me.

So I did something radical and went to church. Why not? I didn’t have any other paths to venture down, other than drowning my sorrows in liqueur; but I’ve never been the type of person to resort to burying my head in the sand. It was a big moment in my life and I felt like I was standing at a crossroads. 

I was full of questions that illustrated my lack of understanding of who God was, and full of intrigue to know who he was.

I was full of questions that illustrated my lack of understanding of who God was, and full of intrigue to know who he was. I chose not to let my lack of understanding act as a barrier. I wanted to create space for my questions to be answered, and my understanding to grow; not to shut myself off to God just because I didn’t understand him.

I was welcomed with open arms. I was celebrated. I was encouraged. I was loved.

When I walked through those church doors, I was so afraid of being rejected and labelled as ‘the broken one’; but I wasn’t. I was welcomed with open arms. I was celebrated. I was encouraged. I was loved. 

My questions were challenged and met with grace, and from the darkness of my despair, to the light of freedom, Jesus changed my life. All because I was brave enough to let him into my life and transform my heart and mind.

So now I can say four years on, that going to church was the best thing I have ever done. I don’t think I’ll find anything that will ever compare to my relationship with Jesus. 

I’m still new here. I’m still learning. But I now know that I’m loved and accepted and valued. I know that my life has purpose. And I want to say that you can experience the same if you step out and do something bold.

So try church. 

Don’t let your emotional mess get in the way of your change. Everyone is messy, and everyone needs help and community and love.

Don’t let your emotional mess get in the way of your change. Everyone is messy, and everyone needs help and community and love. 

Try church, because I was new there once too.