When comparison threatened to steal my friendship
Joy Attmore,
29th Mar 2018
Tags:
Life
Blog
Friendship
Insecurity
Rejection
A few years ago I lived with a girl who was a dear friend of mine. I considered us to be really close and had unreservedly welcomed her into my heart and home. We shared a lot of the same passions and interests, went to the same church, and knew a lot of the same people. We had travelled together, dreamed together, and now we were roommates.
I didn’t foresee there being any problems, as I’ve never really had any big issues in any of my friendships, but soon after we moved in I began to get weird vibes from her.
Have you ever had those moments with a friend where you know something’s wrong?
Have you ever had those moments with a friend where you know something’s wrong? Maybe they start acting differently or distancing themselves from you. Maybe they seem unusually angry or upset, but unwilling to talk about it. Maybe they just don’t want to spend time with you all of a sudden.
Well, that’s exactly how my friend started to act with me.
At first I put it down to being tired or stressed, and so just let her have her space, but after a while I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was the problem, that I was the reason she was acting differently. Had I unknowingly done something to upset or offend her?
I tried being extra nice, asking all the right questions and being on my best behaviour, but nothing seemed to make it any better. If we were around other people, she would act like everything was fine, but at home behind closed doors she became cold and distant.
I began to feel guilty just for being me and would shrink back from letting myself shine, or fully allowing my voice to be heard. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what was happening, or what I had done that was so bad, until one night she came into my room crying. As she poured out her heart, it came to light that this whole time, rather than celebrating our differences, she had been comparing herself to me and it had caused a wall of bitterness and self-hatred to form within her.
She was hurting because now she didn’t feel good enough, and I was in pain because she had been treating me like I was disposable.
She was hurting because now she didn’t feel good enough, and I was in pain because she had been treating me like I was disposable.
When we compare ourselves to someone else, we are desiring to be better, more important, prettier, or more successful than they are.
When we compare ourselves to someone else, we are desiring to be better, more important, prettier, or more successful than they are. We want what they have and we view what we have as second rate. We see someone as competition instead of a potential cheerleader. In effect, we steal one another’s joy and hold ourselves back from being fully free.
The truth is we are incomparable!
The truth is we are incomparable!
My friend and I have similarities, but we’re also very different. Those differences don’t make one of us more successful or more beautiful than the other, they just make us unique.
That friendship taught me so much: the pain of rejection and isolation that comparison breeds, but also the beauty and joy that flows from choosing to support and run alongside other amazing women.
I don’t always get this right either, especially if I’m spending too much time scrolling through Instagram, but I want to do better at loving myself, so I can love others well. I don’t want to be intimidated by a friend’s success or beauty, I want to celebrate it. I don’t want to withhold love, I want to give it.
So, if we were in the same room right now, I would take this moment to look into your eyes and say, “There is no-one else who looks just like you, sounds like you, sings like you, or thinks like you. No-one else can dream the way you do, create as you do, or move like you do. No-one else will change the world the way that you will, or reach the people you will reach. No-one else is able to be beautifully, incomparably, wonderfully YOU!”
